Confessions Of An Introvert

The only people who know you talk to yourself are you and me, so we’re good.

Me:  I’ve had this conversation in my head a million times in the last month.

Me: Of course you have, you’re an introvert. Everything happens in your head.

Me: I’ve only just discovered this about myself though.  I’m still getting over the shock of it. 

Me: It is shocking.  Your behaviour is quite contradictory.

Me: I know. It’s weird.  I love action and people but...

Me: But…?

Me: Not all the time.  So it didn’t seem obvious.

Me: To who?

Me: To anyone who thinks they know what an introvert is.

Me: But to you?

Me: Me? I think I always assumed I had anxiety, like social anxiety.

Me: Do people make you anxious?

Me: Not really.  Then I thought maybe I was some sort of snob and just don’t like meaningless empty conversation and small talk so that’s why I disappear into myself. 

Me: Oh cause you’ve never talked to your friends about celebrity crushes, favourite butt-lifting exercises and what cuisines give you the scoots? Call me crazy but that all sounds meaningless.

Me: Hey - that was all just fun conversation that I’m sure was followed by deep, reflective chit chat.

Me: Mmmm hmmmm.

Me: I just can’t believe I’m an introvert and I don’t know how to tell people.  That’s why I think I probably shouldn’t write this. Who cares.

Me: I think you do.

Me: Maybe.

Me: It explains a lot.

Me: It explains a lot to me...about why I behave the way I do. I feel better about myself now  - just knowing why I do what I do. It’s in my DNA and I was born this way. I don’t feel like such a freak anymore.

Me: You’re still a freak.

Me: Ouch.

Me: How is it you’ve only just figured out you’re an introvert now?

Me: I read a meme.

Me: Oh. Now I think you might be a loser.

Me: That’s not what an introvert wants to hear.

Me: You can’t control me.

Me: Seriously though, it was a meme. I can’t find it now but it was something like “You are my friend and I would die for you, but I just can’t have coffee with you. - signed, an introvert”.  It shocked me because that’s how I feel a lot of the time.

Me: Like you wanna die?

Me: No!  That I can only be social some of the time. I require A LOT of time to myself.  

Me: Seems unfriendly to me.

Me: You’re a bit prickly yourself. And you use some pretty salty language at times.

Me: I’m just honest.

Me: I’m trying to be honest here too!

Me: Explain this then, how have you been able to have friends, be a leader at work, love parties and long conversations, speak in public, travel, tell jokes and even, dare I say it, crave the limelight in your creative endeavours, and yet call yourself an introvert?  This, my internal-dialogue friend, does not add up.

Me: That’s what I’m saying.

Me: No it isn’t.

Me: Yes it is!  I never thought I was an introvert before because of all these things.  

Me: Now you’re just repeating me.

Me: If you really were an internal-dialogue friend you would understand what I was saying.

Me: Try again.

Me:  Ok. Check this out; I always drive myself places so I can control when I arrive and leave and can have quiet time in my car without pressure to socialize. I hate talking on the phone and will do almost anything to avoid it.  I’d sooner give myself an ear infection by pouring dirty toilet water from a bus depot bathroom in my ear canal than answer a call. 

Me: That’s a weird thing to say.

Me: You did say I was a freak.

Me: Touché.

Me: I’m elated when plans get cancelled because at least it looks like I was going to be social and it wasn’t my fault things didn’t pan out.  Someone stopping by unannounced sends my brain into a social tailspin and feels like fireworks have just been dropped in my lap; all I can do is smile, pretend it doesn’t burn and act like sparks from my loins are normal. That’s what unexpected social interaction feels like to me. I don’t like to host parties because I can’t guarantee when people will leave. I need a beginning and end time for interactions, like a movie with a finite run time - 90 minutes, maybe tolerate extended credits, then I’m out.  I wish my social life could be entered and exited like a movie theatre.

Me: I thought you didn’t have parties because you couldn’t cook?

Me: Just listen please.

Me: That’s all I do.

Me: I love to travel and talk to strangers.  I am fascinated by people, their stories and the humanity that props up and fuels every community and culture, but I don’t like to make actual friends on vacation, friends that might want to hang out for hours or get together regularly throughout the holiday. Oh gawd I feel sick at the thought.  My heart rate is speeding up running through this scenario in my mind. I have to sit down. I think I’m gonna pass out. I’m having flashes of friendly people on some beach vacation in Cuba wanting to have dinner every night, then discovering that our kids all get along so they suggest we see each other when we get back to Canada.  The very idea feels like a cruise ship full of friendly people has just landed on my chest and I’m being suffocated by smiles and giant shrimp cocktails.

Me: Just breathe.

Me: Right. Breathing. It’s hard for me to holiday with friends for more than a few days because I can’t get away to be alone.  It’s so hard to explain that I really like people, but might need to be on my own too. The thought of running into someone I know while going to the drug store makes me want to treat my own infections by bloodletting and rolling in leeches.

Me: I’ve heard some people get results.

Me: Don’t be cute.  I’m serious.

Me: Go on.

Me: I can work a room but it has to be a room I have chosen to be in. I thought it was always about control and social anxiety.

Me: Sounds like it is genius.

Me: I literally crave socializing sometimes though. I need people and love people, just not ‘round the clock.

Me: Just say it.

Me: Say what?

Me: You know. About people.

Me: Maybe I will say it.

Me: Do it.

Me: I don’t need a lot of people.  I don’t like all people.

Couldn’t we have just texted?

Me: Feels good to say that right!?? Trim the fat - lose the people that don’t expand your universe or frost your cake. 

Me: Sigh. It does feel good. Good people, interesting people and more than anything, people who are capable of engaging are what really floats my boat.  Boat - not cruise ship!

Me: Well yeah.  Duh.

Me: You’d be surprised how many people just talk about themselves.

Me: You’re fully aware you are actually talking to yourself about yourself, right?

Me: That’s different.  I’m not taking up someone else’s time. 

Me: But we are friends aren’t we?

Me: Well, maybe.

Me: I consider you a friend. We go deep.

Me: I guess so. 

Me: That’s nice.

Me: I’m talking about people who ramble on about themselves, know nothing about me or my life and call it friendship.  It’s fascinating to watch because I don’t fully grasp what they are getting out of such a conversation?  Knowing other people is what truly let’s you know you’re not alone.  It’s like opening your eyes underwater and seeing Atlantis. Knowing other people is how you genuinely find where you belong. Floating around in the dark with your eyes closed, babbling, seems endless and lonely.

Me: You’re still talking about yourself and judging others for doing the same.

Me: I’m trying to confess.

Me: Confess what?  I think you’re floating.

Me: Confess that I’m an introvert, not a weirdo, or depressed or anti-social. And it’s more nurturing for me to carefully choose my people. Really, everyone should choose carefully.

Me: You could take a break from talking about yourself and ask me how I’m doing? 

Me: I don’t have to ask you how you’re doing because I am you.  

Me: Would still be nice though.

Me: This is the type of needy one-sided friend I can do without.

Me: You said it! We’re friends.  I knew it!  

Me: You’re a bit pathetic ya know.  I’m talking about friendship. Good times, bad times, honest reality checks, and accepting the good, the bad, and the confusing parts of each other as if they were all just separate, complex and delicious layers of one awesome dessert.  And by the way - my husband has set the friendship bar pretty high.

Me: I was here first.

Me: You’re such a baby.

Me: Name calling is so childish.

Me: So is being competitive over who is a better friend.

Me: Fine. I guess your husband is a good one.

Me: (thinking) Maybe you’re one of the good ones too.

Me: Of course I am.  Remember that time we…

Me: We don’t have to tell everybody.

Me: Do you think your writing is a way for you to be heard without having to be in a big room or on a stage?

Me: Oh but I like that stuff too!

Me: You make no sense.

Me: I don’t have to make sense anymore because...

Me and Me: I’m an introvert.  

Me: We are often contradictory by nature.

Me: Wait, which one of us is talking?

Me: I am.

Me: Ok - go ahead.

Me: So, I was just saying I’m an introvert and I feel so much better knowing that and embracing it. This doesn’t mean I want people to leave me alone.  Being solitary is the great oxygen mask in the sky that drops down and begs me to breathe in so that I can feel alive, safe, strong, and ready to get out there and be functional.  That’s all. I need quiet when I study or learn, quiet to think and sort my thoughts, quiet to refill my social battery before the next power surge, quiet to stay balanced, quiet to allow creativity to creep in and take a seat at the table, quiet to process life, and quiet to understand how much I actually truly love people and the weeds we all need to swim through to feel the sun on our backs.

Me: (silence)

Me: Nothing?

Me: I’m trying to be quiet.

Me: Not NOW. Not while we’re actually having a conversation.

Me: You’re talking.  WE are not conversing.  

Me: Only because it’s my turn.

Me: Why does this matter?

Me: Because if you love an introvert, you need to know they love you too - no matter how much they stay away.

Me: clip clop clip clop.

Me: Where are you going?

Me: You know.

Me: Oh for gawd sake.

By Carol Sloan

Articles to make introverts feel good about themselves instead of inadequate or awkward :

https://thriveglobal.com/stories/the-power-of-alone-time-as-a-secret-to-success/

https://www.brit.co/four-types-of-introverts/

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